why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
