Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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