i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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