Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
