I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter