John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
17 People Who Prepared For Spring Break The Right Way
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
21 Distraught People Found Out They Had An STD
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.