Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
