I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
