god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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