it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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