i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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