I wannas sexs uuuuu
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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