why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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