dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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