Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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