apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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