It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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