I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
she told me i tasted like america
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
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