When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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