I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
