Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Just invented taco cereal.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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