I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
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Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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