It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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