as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
