Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
