I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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