In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
