Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
