I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
bring money and cleavage
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Randomize
