I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
