Too much gin, very little bucket
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
