i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
