TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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