closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
