The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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