I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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