I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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