a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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