Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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