I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
