I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
