i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
