i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Someone came in the potted fern
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
