i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
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Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
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Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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