Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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