He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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