if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
