Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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