I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
