Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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