remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
