Already got asked if we're dating
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My cat gives me a boner
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
